ADHD Masking: Performing ‘Normal’ Is Draining AF
For many of us with ADHD, especially those diagnosed later in life, figuring out who we really are versus who we’ve been pretending to be can be a journey. The deeper we dig, the more we realize how much effort we’ve put into seeming “normal.” But normal for who? And at what cost?
Welcome to the world of ADHD masking.
What Is ADHD Masking?
Masking is exactly what it sounds like—suppressing or hiding ADHD symptoms to fit into the world around us, to appear more “neurotypical.” It can look like:
- Forcing yourself to sit still even though your body is dying to move.
- Over-preparing for meetings so no one calls you out for missing details.
- Watching how other people act in social situations and copying them so you don’t stand out too much.
If any of this sounds familiar, congratulations—you’ve been masking. Me, too.
The problem? Masking requires a lot of effort, and constantly hiding significant parts of yourself can lead to emotional exhaustion, identity confusion, and a general sense of inauthenticity. Over time, this pressure can tank your self-esteem, make it harder to accept your ADHD, and leave you feeling isolated—even in places that should be safe, like home or among friends.
Why Do We Mask?
Masking certainly isn’t random; it’s generally something we’ve learned to do to try to pass as more “normal.” Here are a few common reasons why we do it:
Fear of Judgment
Most of us have spent our lives being told we’re too loud, too forgetful, too distracted, too much. So we learn to shrink ourselves, to avoid criticism, rejection, or being labeled as lazy, irresponsible, or difficult.
Desire for Acceptance
Humans are wired for connection, and when your natural instincts—interrupting, fidgeting, zoning out—don’t fit social expectations, you start editing yourself. Sometimes, you get so good at it that people stop seeing you and only see the mask.
Perfectionism & Imposter Syndrome
Imposter syndrome — feeling like a fraud despite evidence to the contrary — often fuels masking. We think, If I don’t work twice as hard, people will figure out I don’t belong. The fear of failure or being “exposed” pushes us to mask even harder.
What Does Masking Look Like?
Masking can show up differently depending on gender and age.
Masking in Women
Women with ADHD often face intense social pressure to be organized, emotionally controlled, and “put together.” Since ADHD is underdiagnosed in women, many of us learn early that we have to work extra hard to appear competent. This can look like:
- Over-preparing to avoid mistakes.
- Hyper-focusing on social cues and mimicking “normal” behavior.
- Appearing calm while experiencing inner chaos.
- Suppressing emotions to avoid being labeled as “dramatic.”
- Relying on strict routines and lists to compensate for executive function struggles.
Masking in Men
Men with ADHD may feel pressured to conform to traditional masculinity, which discourages emotional expression and vulnerability. Many learn to mask by forcing themselves into rigid self-discipline, which can look like:
- Suppressing impulsivity to avoid seeming reckless.
- Overworking to prove competence.
- Using humor or bravado to deflect attention from struggles.
- Downplaying difficulties and avoiding seeking help due to stigma.
Masking in Kids
Children with ADHD start masking early, often in response to negative feedback from parents, teachers, and peers. This might look like:
- Holding in energy at school but having emotional outbursts at home.
- Copying classmates to appear more engaged in lessons.
- Avoiding asking for help out of fear of being seen as different.
- Over-apologizing for forgetfulness or inattentiveness.
- Pretending to understand instructions even when they’re struggling.
Mirroring: A Special Kind of Masking
Mirroring is when we unconsciously copy other people’s speech patterns, interests, or mannerisms to blend in. Ever picked up someone’s catchphrase without realizing it? Adjusted your personality based on who you’re around? Lost track of what you actually enjoy because you’ve been people-pleasing for so long? That’s mirroring.
The Hidden Costs of Masking
Masking might help you get through a work meeting or social event, but long term, it takes a toll:
Burnout
Constantly filtering yourself is exhausting. Running social scripts in your brain, controlling impulses, and second-guessing every action leaves you drained.
Delayed Diagnosis
Many of us (especially women) go undiagnosed for years because we got too good at masking. Research shows that those who mask heavily are often misdiagnosed with anxiety or depression instead of ADHD, leading to ineffective treatment.
Losing Yourself
When you spend so much time pretending to be someone else, it’s easy to lose track of who you really are. Many ADHDers who have masked for years struggle to recognize their own preferences, emotions, and needs.
Physical Health Toll
Chronic masking isn’t just a mental health issue—it affects the body, too. The stress from long-term masking can lead to:
- Tension headaches
- Sleep disturbances
- Immune system suppression
- Cardiovascular issues
Masking vs. Coping
It’s important to recognize that not all adaptations are masking. There’s a difference between masking and healthy coping strategies.
- Masking is when you suppress who you are to avoid judgment.
- Coping is when you use strategies that genuinely help you function better for your own well-being.
For example:
- Keeping a clutter-free desk because visual clutter is distracting? Coping.
- Keeping a spotless desk because you’re afraid of being seen as messy? Masking.
How Do We Start Unmasking?
Unmasking doesn’t necessarily have to mean throwing all structure out the window and saying, This is just who I am, deal with it! It’s about finding balance — being yourself while still existing in a world that isn’t always ADHD-friendly.
Some Ways to Start:
- Notice When You Mask – Pay attention to situations where you feel like you’re performing instead of just being.
- Find Safe Spaces – Whether it’s ADHD friends, a therapist, or an online community, practice unmasking in judgment-free spaces.
- Reframe Your ‘Flaws’ – You’re not “too much,” you’re passionate. You’re not “bad at focusing,” you hyperfocus on the things that interest you.
- Experiment With Authenticity – Try dropping one small piece of masking. Let yourself fidget. Speak up without over-preparing. Test the waters.
Final Thoughts
Masking is a survival strategy, and if it’s something you still rely on, that’s okay. Unmasking isn’t a requirement — it’s an option, when and if you’re ready. What matters most is giving yourself permission to exist as you whenever you can, however that looks for you.
If you’re ready to explore what unmasking might look like for you — in a way that feels safe and sustainable — ADHD coaching can provide the support and tools to make that transition easier. You don’t have to do this alone.
Want to learn more? Schedule a free discovery call today.