Parenting ADHD Kids When You Have ADHD: Finding Connection in the Chaos

Parenting is hard. Parenting with ADHD? Really hard. Parenting ADHD kids when you also have ADHD? Welcome to the Thunderdome.

In this post, we’re diving into the challenges of parenting ADHD kids when you’re managing your own ADHD. I’ll share strategies that actually work and why focusing on connection (not perfection) is the ultimate parenting hack.

Let’s look at some of the most common challenges ADHD parents face — and how you can turn those obstacles into opportunities for growth (and maybe a little more peace).

1. Overstimulation

If you’ve ever felt like your brain is screaming, “TOO MUCH!” when chaos breaks loose at home, you’re not alone. Overstimulation is a hallmark challenge for ADHD brains, and when you’re a parent, the noise, movement, and emotions in the house can feel overwhelming in a heartbeat.

Picture this: The TV is blaring, one kid is tapping a pencil non-stop, another is running laps around the couch, and the dog won’t stop barking. For ADHD parents, sensory input like this can go from manageable to completely overwhelming in seconds.

It’s not just the noise, either — it’s the layers of stimuli stacking on top of each other. Emotions, clutter, movement, noise … they all build until your brain decides it’s had enough. The result? Irritability, exhaustion, or just wanting to escape to the nearest closet for five minutes of peace.

And your kids can have the same experience, too.

What Helps:

• Identify triggers: Talk openly with your family about what’s overstimulating for you. Maybe it’s volume, clutter, or too much movement at once. For example, “When everyone is talking at the same time, it’s hard for me to concentrate.”
• Use ‘pause’ signals: Teach your family a simple signal to pause the chaos when someone needs a reset. This could be as easy as holding up a hand or saying, “I need a quiet moment.”
• Create a quiet space: Designate a retreat area where anyone can go to decompress. It might be your room, a cozy nook, or even — let’s be honest — the bathroom.

Real Talk:

Sometimes, the best parenting move really is hiding in the bathroom. Five minutes of silence can work wonders for your sanity, so don’t be afraid to take it when you need it.

2. Energy Management (Spoons Theory)

Ever feel like you’re running on fumes while juggling everything life throws at you? That’s where Spoon Theory comes in. Originally created to explain energy levels for people with chronic illness, it’s become a powerful way to describe how ADHD energy works, too.

Think of spoons as your daily energy currency. Some days, you wake up with a full set of spoons and can tackle anything. Other days, you might start with just a handful — especially if you didn’t sleep well or life is just a lot.

Every task costs spoons. Brushing your teeth might cost one. Helping your kids with homework? Three. Cleaning the kitchen? Five. Once you’re out of spoons, it’s game over — you’re done for the day, whether you like it or not.

For ADHD parents, this becomes even more challenging when your kids are also running low on spoons. Their meltdown costs you spoons. Your frustration costs them spoons. And before you know it, the whole family is out of energy.

What Helps:

• Teach your kids the concept of spoons so they can better understand their own energy levels (and yours).
• Prioritize tasks together by asking, “What’s the most important thing we need to get done today?”
• Normalize rest and breaks as essential — not optional.

3. Adjusting Expectations

Parenting ADHD kids when you have ADHD can sometimes feel like climbing a mountain — blindfolded, during an avalanche. Some days, just getting everyone dressed and fed is an Olympic-level achievement.

For ADHD parents, the gap between what you want to accomplish and what’s actually possible can feel impossibly wide, especially when executive dysfunction, low energy, or overstimulation come into play. Add in the unpredictability of ADHD kids — who also also struggle with focus, emotional regulation, or motivation — and suddenly even small tasks can feel like monumental challenges.

The key? Adjust your expectations, especially on the hard days.

What Helps:

• Divide tasks into “must-dos” and “nice-to-haves”: Focus on what truly matters today. For example, “Must-dos: Pack lunches, help with homework. Nice-to-haves: Clean the kitchen, sort the laundry.” Anything extra is a bonus.
• Adjust to what’s doable: On tough days, lower the bar. Instead of a full meal-prep marathon, maybe it’s PB&J sandwiches and pre-packaged snacks. Survival is the win on those days, and that’s okay.
• Give yourself (and your kids) grace: ADHD brains struggle with perfectionism, but here’s the truth: No one is keeping score. Progress is progress, even if it’s messy. Celebrate what you did accomplish, no matter how small.

Parenting Reminder:

Sometimes, just showing up is enough. There’s no gold star for doing it all, but there’s plenty of value in focusing on connection and celebrating the little wins.

Building Connection: The ADHD Parenting Superpower

When you’re parenting ADHD kids while managing your own ADHD, it can feel like everyone’s brains are running on different operating systems. Miscommunications, frustrations, and emotional blow-ups can easily turn into the norm.

But here’s the thing: Connection is your secret weapon. It’s not about being the perfect parent or having it all figured out—it’s about showing your kids that you’re on their team, even when things get messy. By building trust, understanding, and empathy, you can create a foundation that helps both you and your kids thrive (even on the hard days).

1. Believe Them

When your kid says, “I forgot,” or, “I didn’t mean to,” it’s easy to assume they’re making excuses. But for ADHD brains, these are often honest truths, not attempts to avoid responsibility. Forgetting, impulsivity, and distraction are just part of how ADHD works. If you have ADHD, too, then this is probably something you know very well, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard to keep your cool when your kiddo got sidetracked by watching an episode of Bluey instead of getting their shoes on when you’re in a rush to leave the house.

What Helps:

• Respond with curiosity: Instead of jumping to conclusions, help them retrace their steps. “Okay, let’s figure out what happened. Did something catch your attention and distract you?” This approach helps them learn self-awareness without the sting of shame.
• Connect the dots: ADHD kids often struggle to link actions with consequences. For example, “You saw your iPad, remembered the game you wanted to play, and forgot about the dishes.” Helping them recognize these patterns builds their executive functioning skills.
• Show understanding: Acknowledge their emotions and challenges. “I know you didn’t mean to forget. Let’s figure out a way to make it easier to remember next time.”

2. Be Authentic

You don’t have to be a superhero parent who has it all together all the time. In fact, being honest about your own ADHD struggles can help your kids feel less alone and more understood.

What Helps:

• Share age-appropriate struggles: “I get distracted too. Sometimes I forget things, so I use alarms and checklists to help me stay on track. Why don’t we brainstorm some things that could help you?”
• Show vulnerability: It’s okay to admit when you’re overwhelmed or need help. Modeling this behavior teaches your kids that it’s okay to ask for support when they need it.

3. Give Them Language

One of the most powerful tools you can give your kids is the ability to name what’s happening in their brains and bodies. ADHD can feel chaotic and confusing, but giving it language helps kids understand and communicate their needs.

What Helps:

• Create a toolkit of responses: Phrases like, “I need a moment,” or, “My social battery is out of juice,” empower them to advocate for themselves in a way that feels natural.
• Teach simple phrases: Introduce expressions like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed,” or, “My brain is stuck,” to help them verbalize what’s happening.
• Encourage self-check-ins: “What do you think you need right now? A break, a snack, or some quiet time?” This builds their ability to self-regulate.

4. Apologize When You Mess Up

Fact: Nobody handles every parenting moment perfectly. Whether it’s losing your temper or snapping during a stressful moment, mistakes happen. The good news? These moments are opportunities to model accountability and empathy.

What Helps:

• Start with an apology: “I’m sorry for how I reacted earlier. That wasn’t fair to you.” This shows that you take responsibility for your actions.
• Explain what happened: “I was feeling really overstimulated, and I let it get the better of me.” This helps kids understand that your reaction wasn’t about them.
• Collaborate for next time: “Can we come up with a plan together to help me recognize when I’m getting overwhelmed sooner?”
• Reassure them: “I love you, and it’s okay to mess up. What’s important is that we talk about it and move forward.”

Choose Connection Over Perfection

Parenting ADHD kids when you have ADHD is like piloting a spaceship through an asteroid field. It’s unpredictable, messy, and exhausting, but you can absolutely do this.

Treat yourself with kindness, celebrate every small win, and remember: It’s not about being perfect — it’s about showing up, being real, and creating a space where your kids feel safe to be themselves. By building connection through trust, empathy, and communication, you’re giving them the tools they need to navigate their own ADHD — and helping yourself in the process.

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