The Problem with Should for ADHDers

The Problem with “Should”: Why It’s a Trap for ADHD Brains

Do you ever feel buried under a mountain of “shoulds”? “I should be more productive.” “I should remember to call people back.” “I should get my life together.”

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone? For those of us with ADHD, the word “should” carries an especially toxic load.

Let’s talk about why it’s more than just unhelpful — why it’s often flat-out wrong.

The Sneaky Toxicity of “Should”

“Should” is soaked in shame. It implies that you’re doing something wrong simply by existing as you are. And for ADHDers, this hits hard because we’ve spent our lives hearing versions of: “You should try harder.” “You should be more organized.” “You should be able to do this by now.”

Eventually, we hear these things enough that we don’t even need other people to say it to us anymore. These phrases/thoughts/beliefs become the daily stories we to ourselves.

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But here’s the truth: “should” isn’t helpful — and more importantly, it’s often built on expectations that were never realistic for the way our brains work. It labels support strategies as crutches. It calls rest laziness. It turns our very real neurological differences into personal failures.

Why ADHD Brains Rebel Against “Should”

ADHD brains don’t run on guilt or obligation. We’re wired for motivation based on Interest, Novelty, Challenge, Urgency, and Passion (aka the INCUP model). If a task doesn’t hit one of those, it might as well not exist.

And let’s not forget the brain science. Research shows that ADHD impacts the areas of the brain responsible for starting tasks, staying focused, and keeping motivation steady. That means it’s not about laziness or lack of discipline — it’s about how your brain is actually wired.

There’s also this tug-of-war happening inside the ADHD brain. In people without ADHD, the default mode network (DMN — daydreaming mode) and the task-positive network (TPN — doing stuff mode) take turns. In ADHD brains, they’re both active at once. It creates this constant magnetic pull away from the task at hand and into distraction. So when someone says “You should just do it,” it’s like trying to tune a radio to two stations at once.

What to Do When the “Shoulds” Hit

Next time you catch yourself in a shame spiral, pause and ask:

  • Do I actually want to do this?
  • Do I truly need to do this, or am I just trying to meet someone else’s expectation?
  • What would really happen if I didn’t?

Sometimes we discover we’ve been stressing about a “should” that doesn’t even matter.

Example: I should bake homemade cookies for my child’s school party.

Okay … do I want to? Do I have the time or energy? Would store-bought work? Or can I say no entirely? What are the actual consequences if I let this one go? Are they real or imagined? Are those consequences worse than what I’m already doing to myself right now to make this “should” happen?

Replace “Should” with Something More Helpful

Here’s a trick: swap “should” for something less judgmental.

Instead of: “I should clean the house.”
Try: “I want to feel more relaxed in my space, and it would feel nice if I didn’t have to sit on the floor because my couch is full of laundry.”

Instead of: “I should exercise.”
Try: “It would feel good to go for a walk, even if just for a few minutes.”

These small shifts have the capacity to change everything. You go from guilt to intention. From pressure to choice.

OK, Fine — Not All “Shoulds” Are Bad

Some “shoulds” can actually be helpful — when they come from kindness, not criticism.

Examples:

  • I should speak kindly to myself right now.
  • I should rest because I’m running on fumes.
  • I should ask for help instead of pretending I’ve got it all under control.
  • I should celebrate that I even started.

These are the kinds of “shoulds” that Future You would high-five you for. They’re rooted in care, not shame.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Another lie ADHDers hear: “You should be able to do this by yourself.”

NOPE. Support tools — like body doubling, reminders, apps, coaching, and community — aren’t cheating. They’re strategy. The fact that you need support doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re smart enough to build systems that actually work for your brain.

Want Support with That?

If you’re tired of beating yourself up with “shoulds” and want to start feeling like you’re actually making progress, grab the Quick Wins Playbook. It’s packed with ADHD-friendly strategies to help you build momentum (and confidence) one tiny win at a time.